Roses are Red...

May 26, 2012

Dang, I thought it was still Friday, but NOPE!  IT’S SATURDAY NOW!  Barely though haha

What keeps coming back to me is my heart condition.  Am I in a situation where I am willing to serve?  Am I doing this for my own selfish gain or as an act of worship to God?  WHAT IS MY HEART CONDITION?

Also, laziness.  I shouldn’t allow my laziness to interfere with my heart condition, but sometimes it does.  Sometimes I even try to justify myself by telling myself that I’m being so productive by doing Action A, when I should be doing Action B instead.  I’m such a Jonah.  I like to run away from all my problems, but that always ends up in more trouble and I have to face my problems eventually.  Dang.

I haven’t really let God take presence in my life recently.  That’s bad of me.  I’ve been too caught up in my own actions and my own abilities.  Sometimes I’m just too worldly, and it sucks.  It sucks not being able to actually fully trust God.  My faith is so weak, and it’s because the only thing in my way is me.

I’m thinking maybe it’s my major.  I’m a biochemistry major, and so I’m very well in tune with the natural sciences.  Biology, chemistry, and physics can explain almost everything that goes on in this world.  Science is fact.  Science leaves no room for God, even though I know that things work out because God is behind science.  But eh, what would I change my major to?  I’m not even sure at this point.

Life and its difficulties…I gotta bring this up to God.

May 10, 2012

I haven’t posted a text blog for a while now.  So I shall do that now.

BUT FIRST, A QUICK WARNING:  this is just me typing about my feelings.  So I imagine a lot of people have no desire to hear me talk about my feelings.  If that’s you, carry along and scroll quickly.

Hi.

I’m currently done with my Freshman year of college, and it was way better than I expected!  Okay, that’s not true.  That wasn’t worded correctly.  I wasn’t expecting the worst from college; I just wasn’t expecting to be so changed and so blessed throughout the year.  Sure, there were those stressful moments where I was all like, “Oh my gosh I should not have put this off ‘til now because I’m so stressed” and also those times where I was like “I should stop eating so much because I don’t want to gain my Freshman 15.”  Unfortunately for me, I was both stressed and I’m pretty sure I gained my Freshman 15.  But I’m much better now.

I thought making new friends was going to be hard.  I thought that nobody would like me because I am introverted.  Okay, I knew I was going to have at least a few close friends, but I didn’t expect to actually have a lot of people who cared for me and who looked after me.  I didn’t expect to fall in love (I did expect to have a few crushes though, but that didn’t really happen…no…wait…I think I had like three…) and I didn’t expect to get into a relationship.  A miracle must have happened, because not only did I fall in love with one of my crushes, but he loved me back, and now I’m dating.  My first boyfriend.  I still can’t wrap my head around that, and it’s been almost half a year.  I can’t believe someone out there actually likes me.

I thought I was going to join a bunch of clubs and be totally social, BUT NOPE!  That didn’t happen.  I thought I was going to change my personality (because virtually nobody on campus knew me before I arrived) and become a whole new person, but that didn’t happen either.  I think I lucked out in that aspect.  I got to spend more time getting to know people who would later be my dear friends, and I got involved in an awesome Christian community that has taught me to change myself and dared me to reach out.  It’s been so fun hanging out with those kids!

But history repeats itself.  I remember how hard it was for me to leave home - I hugged my mom one last time, I hugged both of my sisters one last time, and I softly cried to myself while my dad drove me to the airport.  My dad and I moved my stuff to my dorm together, and he left the next day.  I had one last coffee with him before he left, and then we walked our separate ways - he went back to the airport and I went back to my dorm.  I once again cried softly to myself behind my sunglasses as I walked back to my dorm.  The sunglasses blocked people from seeing my tears.  Then the year went on…

…and now the year is over.  And once again I find myself crying, but not softly.  I cried a lot, basically every hour and a half or so.  And once I start, I just can’t stop.  And then my face looks all weird with tears everywhere, snot everywhere, and puffy red eyes that are typical side effects of crying.  And then I can’t breathe through my nose because of all the snot there and I suddenly run out of tissues so I can’t blow my nose no more so I end up crying and sniffling.  And that sounds disgusting, and I feel a little bit disgusting.

I tell myself that it’s just 3 months and that these three months will go by super quickly, but I’m not sure if I fully believe those words.  Even as I type this post, I find myself shedding tears (and my nose is getting filled up with snot), and I’m trying my best to hide it because I’m in the presence of other people.

Please God, I just want to be comforted.